Everything Is A-OK

My dubious achievements of the year so far:

1. Went to Best Buy with the intention of purchasing a new phone/answering machine, but somehow also ended up buying the first season of Curb Your Enthusiasm on DVD (I'm not even sure this show is any good, as I've previously seen only one episode; however, my sister Hannah swears it's the funniest thing on TV, but the problem there is my sister Hannah's crazy, as anyone who's heard the infamous Burger King-apple pie story knows, but then Hannah also says Seinfeld hasn't aged well and is now "unwatchable" and that's totally true, so it could be she's in fact a reliable arbiter of taste); the Darkness CD (I have a new rule that I won't buy a CD if it costs more than ten dollars, but I feel like I've done something criminal for shelling out a measly $9.99 for Permission to Land; the singer's falsetto is more ridiculously rewarding than the falsettos of Prince, Rivers Cuomo, Pharrell and Maurice Gibb -- or whichever Gibb it was who looked like Aslan -- combined); Star Wars Starfighter for the Xbox (and I don't even like driving games because I suck at them so fucking bad, and games where you're driving a spaceship instead of a plain old car -- you know it's going to be a hundred times more difficult, which is precisely why I bought Star Wars Starfighter, and if you're looking for a word to describe that sort of thinking, it's called "character").


2. I've managed to go this deep into the new year without preparing and eating a meal at home.


3. Saw The Last Samurai for a second time; it felt like I was seeing it for the 9,000th time.


4. I pretended to love the Knicks before they traded for Stephon Marbury as much as I loved them after they traded for Stephon Marbury, which is just a big fat motherfucking lie.


5. Consumed drinks containing Hpnotiq.


6. Hosted a dinner party. Totally forgot to invite Truman Capote, Gertrude Stein and the staff of The Paris Review.


7. Was told this blog was nominated for some sort of blog award, which is a sad, sad commentary on the state of the blogalaxy, or whatever the fuck people call it.


8. Stayed up till 4 in the morning last night playing a game on the Xbox called BloodRayne -- you're a half-human, half-vampire woman who goes toe-to-toe with Nazi zombies. It's a terrible game but I couldn't stop playing it, plus Star Wars Starfighter is hard as fuck.


9. Saw three episodes of Sex and the City. I don't know how else to say this, but you women who watch this show religiously are a sorry bunch of cunts.


10. I bought a cardigan sweater. It is now my favorite article of clothing that I own. I guess as opposed to articles of clothing that I don't own.

Remember back when I was complaining about the dearth of hate mail I was receiving? Here's an update: I'm still not fucking getting any. But forget that; I think to signify that I've truly arrived, I need to be plagiarized. Don't let me down again, people.