Weight of My Words

The highs and lows of my spring break:

1. My allergies, which have been dormant the last couple of years, staged their triumphal return last week. A few days later I developed a cold. I've since forgotten what it feels like to have perfect hearing or the ability to breathe through my nose. When I stand outside at night smoking one cigarette after another, I fantasize about unobstructed nasal passageways.

2. I saw Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. It'll probably be my favorite movie I see all year. That scene where Joel complains that his girlfriend Clementine says "libe-ary" really spoke to me. (My only problem with Charlie Kaufman movies is Charlie Kaufman, who belongs in the troika -- along with Jerry Bruckheimer and Larry Ellison -- of Middle-Aged Bearded Guys Who Look Sleazy and I'll Bet You Ten Dollars They're Assholes.)

3. My girlfriend and I broke up for the second time. People who know us have been offering me their postgame analyses, and so far I've been made to look like the goat of the series. OK, sure, I referred to her friends by nicknames I made up because I could never remember any of their actual names (Fancy Pants, Chinless, the Fat One), and, yes, there were a couple of times where she called and I had to tell her, "I can't talk, I'm playing Tiger Woods golf and it's my turn," but how about all those nights where I let her use my shoulder as a pillow, and she had really tickly hair?

4. I found out my best buddy Doug and his girlfriend are expecting. I gave Doug a congratulatory handshake and hugged his girlfriend. Later, while Doug and I were outside smoking, he told me he hoped he has a son. I said I do too, just because I wouldn't be able to make any bastard-son jokes if he doesn't actually have one.

5. I'm going to try and work things out with my girlfriend. (It seemed so easy the first time we broke up.) I sent her like a dozen text messages today, and none of them contained the words "finito," "kaput" or "gonzo Alonzo," which is the verbiage I typically use when I tell a girl it's over. I like to think it's because I'm trying out this new thing where I don't give up on people as quickly as I used to, as opposed to getting back together with her because I found out Doug's having a baby and he and I have always been competitive about every fucking little thing.

Yes, I realize Jerry Bruckheimer is a hack and Larry Ellison very likely worships Satan, while Charlie Kaufman writes smart movies and evidently considers himself a gigantic nerd. Still, his grooming sensibilities have "asshole" written all over them.

I think attempting to get back together with my girlfriend is probably a terrible idea, but, seriously, I'm not going to let a fight at Chevy's be the reason why we break up.

Appending the word "pants" to any adjective instantly makes it funny.

Posted by john at April 2, 2004 02:22 AM