The Greatest Story Ever Showed

What you're about to read is true. True and awesome. After you're done, you probably won't want to read anything else ever again. It's that awesome.

Let me preface what I'm about to tell you by saying I'm an incredibly skeptical guy. My first reaction when I hear a story that seems difficult to believe is to go "That's fucking bullshit." Like when he said the CD player in his rental car sucked up his driver's license. Or the Holocaust.

The thing is, if you insist it's true, I don't want to be an asshole, you know? I'll fucking believe you. What I'm trying to say is, you filthy animals had better believe the story I'm about to tell you. Seriously, don't be assholes.

Another thing -- I got out my camera and started taking pictures almost immediately, because if my plan somehow ended up working I wanted it to be caught on film. On my hard drive. Fucking whatever. Truth be told, I was almost sure it wasn't going to work. Consequently, taking pictures of six wooden chopsticks taped together made me feel like an even bigger knob.

The story begins like this:

I was doing laundry today. The washer and dryer are in the garage, and the garage isn't connected to the house so I use a side door to get in and out.

I was wearing shorts with no pockets.

When I went to start a load, I placed my keys next to the dryer. A nanosecond after I'd locked the door and closed it behind me, I realized I'd left my keys inside. I could actually see them through the mail slot.

I didn't have a remote for the garage door, and I had no idea when my roommate was coming home, so I decided to take matters into my own hands.

My first thought was to get my fishing rod but then I remembered I don't fish. So I went to the kitchen and got a bunch of chopsticks and proceeded to tape them together. I got the idea from an episode of Friends. I wish I was kidding.

My only problem -- I didn't have a hook. I took a quick look around my room and settled on a clip from a shirt I'd bought a few days ago that was lying on the floor.

I bent it in a U-shape and taped it to the end of a chopstick. This could actually work, I told myself.

I practiced on a pair of pants. It was at this point that I began to wonder if I wasn't mildly retarded.

Outside the door, I managed to hook the keys relatively easily.

I was feeling confident again. I pulled slowly; the keys immediately dropped to the floor. I began to pull back the chopsticks, wondering if the keys were still attached. They totally were.

As Biggie once said, "Yes, motherfucker, YES."

So, to sum up:

Posted by john at April 30, 2004 01:23 AM