Girls

I had dinner in Palo Alto with my ex-girlfriend last Saturday. The best part of the night was when the check came and I discovered I had cash and didn't need change. The dinner itself was fine, and there weren't any lulls in the conversation (we both talk a lot). I just felt uneasy the whole time -- a sort of forehead-rubbing uneasiness mingled with equal parts dread and regret. Notwithstanding I've always thought it's declasse and petty for guys to clown on their ex-girlfriends, I'm going to clown on my ex-girlfriend: she's a fan of the show "Oz" because she's really fascinated by prison life. You already know she says "libe-ary" -- you should hear what she's capable of doing to the word "jewelry." Whenever she writes a paper, regardless of the class, she makes a point of referencing Aristotle. (This sounds like something from a fucking Woody Allen movie, but I swear to God, I'm not making it up.) She used to make me say hi to her cat when I was talking to her on the phone. Also, Napoleon ice cream. (I should point out the only reason I feel like I can say these things without feeling guilty is because she isn't a particularly nice girl.) Hence me rubbing my forehead and repeatedly asking myself, "My God, what had I been thinking?"

The last time I spoke to my friend Meagan, who lives in Atlanta and goes by the name "Peaches," I had driven up to San Francisco to see an advance screening of the Jim Jarmusch movie Coffee and Cigarettes but I was there the wrong night, so I got my phone out of my backpack and dialed up Peaches and wandered around the Embarcadero for an hour. At one point during our conversation she told me, "Well, John, you know what I always say about you and girls." I actually didn't know what she always said about me and girls, and I still don't, but I'll bet it was something insightful and wise. Maybe she said, "I've always told you you should use Brightness Falls to meet girls." If she did, that's a brilliant idea, and it also ties in with the whole ROI theme of my amazing last post.

There's a scene in Before Sunrise where the Julie Delpy character says that, for her, familiarity breeds affection -- something about how she can really fall in love with someone when she knows everything about that particular someone. And that's precisely what Brightess Falls does for you: it allows you to know everything about me so you can fall deeply in love with me. I'm being conservative here, but my guess is it's inadvertently had that effect on at least three or four straight guys.

But before I list in detail what I'm looking for in a prospective mate, let's get back to me. Here are a few more things you should know about me before you hit me up with an e-mail.

I'm the guy, I drive.
I don't know how to drive stick.
I believe in making a relatively big deal out of birthdays, anniversaries, etc.

This was my Wednesday night:

You should know I'm the kind of guy who keeps a Black's law dictionary on his bookshelf for no reason other than to make people think I'm, like, a smart guy:

Sometimes I play with it:

Meanwhile, she should:

Enjoy making sandwiches.
Feel compelled to text message me when standing in line at the post office or sitting in the audience of the most boring play ever.
Frequently wear skirts.
Be five-two to five-five.
Not be of any ethnic origin that begins with the letter "J." (Japanese, Jewish. Uh, Jordanian.)
Not be a better golfer than me.
Like Doug.
Shouldn't swear excessively. But if she doesn't swear at all, or says things like "What the freak," then no fucking way.
Be able to figure out in her head 54 divided by 3.
Be able to hold her own at Scattergories
Not enjoy reggae.
Pick me up candy or maybe a rotisserie chicken or something when she's out running errands.
High-five me back. Grudgingly, while rolling your eyes -- that's fine, just as long as you do it.
Know who Primal Scream and the Stone Roses are.
Answer with a confident yes to the question "Would I be awesome with John?"

Posted by john at May 27, 2004 04:16 PM