MC5

My right wrist is currently the size of a canned ham, and it's totally diminishing my typing abilities. That's part of the reason I haven't updated in a while. The other part is the thing where I sometimes forget I have a fucking blog.

Sometimes I feel like Charles Barkley. He's fat and old now, and all he does is lament the NBA's heyday and how today's NBA mostly sucks. I remember his commenting last year about the balloting for the All-Star game -- something along the lines of "What do you have to do to get on the All-Star team? Be alive?" Like Charles, I miss the old NBA. I miss when all the good teams were on the East. I even miss the old theme music on NBC, which I discovered watching Conan one night was composed by John Tesh. It's easily the best thing John Tesh has ever done, aside from marrying that hot piece of ass Connie Selleca.

Then I watched game 2 between the Lakers and the Pistons. It was so good it momentarily restored my love for the game. Big fat stupid Shaq played about as dominantly and unstoppably as he ever has, while Kobe was the most Jordanesque I'd ever seen him in a playoff game. The Lakers, though, had clearly stolen a game that belonged to the Pistons. I've always thought Ben Wallace is amazing -- you should too -- but when did Rip Hamilton become so good? Tayshaun Prince -- his wingspan is longer than he is tall? WTF? And Chauncey Billups? How badly do I want to change my name to Chauncey Billups?

In the past I've always pulled for the veterans, but this time I think I'm going to have to go with the underdogs. I know it's almost a forgone conclusion at this point, but 1) it's worth going over my reasoning, and 2) fuck you.

First, everyone knows Shaq is one of the best centers to ever play the game. If I were a GM and I had the luxury of building my team around one player of my choosing, I'd pick Shaq -- especially the Shaq of five or six years ago. That doesn't mean I don't hate Shaq and think he's a big fat lazy slob. There's this line from Moneyball, the book about Oakland A's GM Billy Beane, about what scouts called the Good Face -- apparently scouts used to think they could intuit a young athlete's potential just by looking at his face. Whatever. Especially when you consider Shaq has the Mildy Retarded Face. He has the low-foreheaded, slack-jawed face of a man-child in perpetual arrested development. Amazing natural ability, but a tremendous douche.

The best reason to pull for the Lakers? The Glove and the Mailman, both of whom threw away literally millions of dollars to play for what they thought would be a championship-caliber team. I grew up watching both these guys play. But just as Larry Bird hated being defended by white guys, I hate watching white guys play, and the Mailman played with John Stockton, the whitest guy in the NBA. Jesus, the Jazz were boring to watch. Meanwhile, the Glove, who was a vicious defender with a big mouth, is now just a crappy old player with a big mouth. I know it has a lot to do with the Lakers' triangle offense, but I can't believe how much the Glove's skills have declined. He makes me sad and depressed, and I don't want to be sad and depressed watching basketball. Therefore, fuck that guy.

But the biggest reason to hate the Lakers is Rick Fox. And his hair. Here, just watch:

WTF?

Nigga what?

I vaguely remember Rick Fox from his college days. He was a Tar Heel, which almost makes me want to forgive him, but then I also remember he's Canadian, which means I'm back to hating that guy.

Game 5 is tonight. Kobe may or may not have guaranteed a victory. I just know if the Pistons do win tonight's game, it'll be the biggest upset in the history of the NBA, and Detroit's proud citizens are likely going to burn their city to the ground.

Posted by john at June 15, 2004 02:08 PM