07.14.04

Pain Don't Hurt

I saw the Jessica Alba movie Honey the other night. It's a lot like Breakin' or Flashdance, not only because it's about a ragtag group of dancers just trying to make it in the world, but also because they're all movies that rule -- and I truly believe that they do -- but to actually sit through them is motherfucking excruciating.

Which is, I realize, how I feel about a lot of things. While philosophically I think the following things are amazing, I wouldn't want to actually endure them in any way, shape or form:

  1. When professional wrestlers loudly extol their own awesomeness while they puff and gesticulate to the camera. The conceit is awesome, and I personally think that's how trial lawyers should conduct business in the courtroom, but I don't actually want to see it.

  2. Every movie Patrick Swayze has ever been in. I love Point Break; I'd rather be coldcocked in the crotch before I watch it again.

  3. Every zombie movie ever made. They're great. I've yet to experience one that was wholly enjoyable to sit through.

  4. Supergroups. I'm a fan of them all: Asia, Damn Yankees, Bad English, Velvet Revolver. (Full disclosure: I haven't actually heard anything from Velvet Revolver, and, God willing, I never will.)

  5. KISS.

  6. Lesbian porn.

  7. Midgets.

  8. Getting punched in the face.

  9. White Castle hamburgers.

  10. Dragon tattoos.

How are all your summers going?

Posted by john at July 14, 2004 08:33 PM
Comments (4)

Lesbian porn? Seriously? I thought all (or at least most) hetero guys were into watching two women chow down on box together. What makes lesbian porn excruciating?

Also, I'm in total agreement on numbers 7, 8, and 10.

Posted by: wendy at July 15, 2004 11:26 PM

I SAID I WANT HONEY!

Faux Patrick Dempsey and his buttchin nearly ruined it for me. So did the fact that Alba's hair was moussed and scrunched within an inch of its life.

Posted by: Sarah B. at July 19, 2004 09:01 PM

when you say coldcocked in the crotch, is that with or without an ex-president mask?

Posted by: gijyun at July 20, 2004 12:02 PM

I had a dream the other night that I was put in charge of the U.S. Water Ballet Team. I stole all of our choreography from Footloose.

That has to count for something.

Posted by: Meagan at July 21, 2004 02:10 PM