Twinkie

My friend Kathy once remarked about our friend George that she couldn't help but regard him as a eunuch. When asked to explain, she told me she was incapable of thinking about George in any sort of sexual context. "Jesus, Kathy," I'd replied. "That's fucking horrible. For George." The thing is, it's probably how women in general regard Asian men -- we're an army of Georges.

We were talking about this last night, and I made the point that a reasonable woman would probably pick an Asian electrical engineer over a drunken jobless Indian living on the reservation, but just by a hair. Take the fire water out of the Indian's hands, though, and who knows how well he cleans up? The Asian engineer, on the other hand, is genetically hard-wired to be cold, calculating and humorless. He'd likely be sort of effeminate, too. He's C-3P0 in Dockers, but not as excitable or shiny.

You never hear anyone say "That Dat Vo -- he's such a funny guy!" Aside from the fat Falstaff character in most old-school kung-fu movies, the typical Asian guy is not funny. He's usually short. The more athletic ones resemble female gymnasts. The Vietnamese ones are built like that one Olsen twin who's anorexic. The sports he enjoys are non-sports like ping-pong and badminton. The best thing anyone could ever say about an Asian guy is he's dutiful: he's a good son and a good worker. He never rocks the boat, and he can be counted on to toe the line. He is, in other words, the opposite of sex. Sure, here in California we have all those little racer Asian guys in their Integras and Civic hatchbacks, but who can understand what they're saying with their goofy, impenetrable accents? I've heard those guys talk, and the only words I can make out are "VTEC" and "hella."

Sometimes I encounter glimmers of hope. My friend Jenn told me about a site called Angry Asian Man because, evidently, the guy had linked to an article I'd written that he considered racist. There's a site called Angry Asian Man? I'd asked, sort of excited. Interest quickly turned to disappointment, however. From what I've seen, all the little bastard does is shill for C-list Asian celebrities no one's ever heard of, or point out when people in the media are being racist by yelping "That's racist!" Presumably the italics are supposed to convey his righteous fury. I've seen Mister Miyagi get angrier in Karate Kid 2.

Does all this Asian-male bashing make me something of an Uncle Tom? It might have when I was in high school, back when I genuinely disliked Asian people -- Koreans in particular. (Incidentally, if you know anything about Korean people at all, you could probably guess what my last initial stands for.) It was Korean food that helped to kick-start my transformation. I suppose I should explain. When I was a kid I thought I hated Korean food; it turned out I just hated my mom's cooking. (To this day it pains me to admit my mother can't cook.)

Once I started going to Korean restaurants, it wasn't long before I was trying Korean bars, and I was delighted to learn Koreans are some of the drunkest, most violent people I've ever encountered. We're like the Irish, but with higher SAT scores.

So, fuck all y'all, I motherfucking love being Asian. If I weren't, it's possible I never would have known the joy of having something as awesome as this for dinner: