First Timers

Last night, at around four in the morning, I did something I once swore I'd never do. Something I had always thought was weird, deviant and maybe even disgusting, because there was the potential that I'd come into contact with another guy's spooge. I know a number of people who've done it -- some on a regular basis -- and I always ask them the same questions: Can you trust the person you're dealing with? Who knows where they've been, and who knows what they're going to end up giving you? Are the risks worth the gratification?

I bid on something on eBay last night. It was late, I couldn't sleep, and I was sitting in front of my computer and read something that led me to another site, and that led me to eBay. I placed my bid and tried not to think about the man mustard. Here's the thing: there are a lot of sick people in the world, and if you think it's outside the realm of possibility that there's a guy out there who likes to nut on the items he's selling on eBay before shipping them off to the unlucky "winners" … Come on, man, what dream world are you living in?

Something else bugs me about eBay, but it's a little more nuanced than my wretched fear of some other guy's nut butter. I have mixed emotions about whatever it is that's intrinsic to human behavior that makes us want to collect stuff. On the one hand, people should go ahead and do whatever makes them happy. If some fat chick in Duluth likes to collect porcelain figurines of hoboes napping or playing cards or going to the bathroom in the street, who am I to say this is a bad thing? On the other hand, Hey, Tubby, step away from the computer and go for a walk, or maybe read a book instead of going shopping at Michaels for the hundredth time this week.

Maybe it's OK if the stuff you want is cool and not gay. Porcelain figurines are gay. Sports memorabilia is gay. Air Max 95s or the Air Jordan V, however -- not gay. And if Nike doesn't reissue the Jordan Vs in the black colorway in my lifetime, I'm OK with that. Some people, however, aren't as reasonable as I am. And eBay is their enabler.

After I'd placed my bid I went to bed, and when I checked on it in the morning I noticed two different usurping cocksuckers had bid on the piece of useless crap I wanted. There were ten more minutes till the auction closed, and I love to win, so I put in another bid. I ended up winning the item, and I gotta tell you, it sort of ruled.

All you fat girls in Duluth -- I understand.