10. 6.04
Something Against You
I stumbled upon this the other day -- a list of 10 things to do in Silicon Valley before you die. I think it says a lot about the South Bay that I'd pick death over most of the things on the list.
Here's my own list of why I would or wouldn't try those above ten things. (I left out the items that were boring and that I probably wouldn't be able to think of anything funny to say about them.)
The Winchester Mystery House:
When I first moved to San Jose from New York, one of the first things I remember seeing is a billboard for the Winchester Mystery House. Just having moved here from the center of the universe, I thought it was a bad sign that the rubes in Silicon Valley had so little to do with their time that there were multiple billboards in the area advertising a haunted house. (I was wrong about the Winchester Mystery House's being a haunted house, but I was right in assuming that the yokels here in the South Bay don't have a whole lot to do.)
If you're too lazy to click on the link, here's the story about the Winchester Mystery House: crazy Sarah Winchester, heiress to the Winchester rifle fortune, believed her family was cursed. A fortune teller warned her that if she ever stopped construction on her mansion, the evil spirits would come to claim her the way they did her husband and infant daughter. So starting in 1884, she kept 22 carpenters working 24 hours a day for the next 36 years, and because Sarah was a lunatic, apparently there are windows built into the floors, stairs that lead up to nowhere, and an ornate bedroom about which Sarah would claim, "This is where the magic happens," and then she'd show you her copy of the Scarface DVD.
Whatever. There's no way I'm stepping foot in the Winchester Mystery House because, 1) who gives a fuck, 2) it's guided tours; no sleepovers, 3) admission is fucking $19.95.
I have, however, been meaning to investigate the paranormal activities rumored to be taking place at the Toys "R" Us in Sunnyvale. Several people have assured me it's haunted, plus I can buy Jenga while I'm there.
Paramount's Great America:
I will never go to Great America because I'm deathly afraid of roller coasters. Over the years I've ridden several different varieties of roller coaster, and each time was a harrowing journey into my own personal bowel-loosening hell.
I just thank God I don't live in the Midwest, where the people are so bored and uneducated that the only thing they have to live for is bigger and faster roller coasters, like the Top Thrill Dragster in Sandusky, Ohio. Jesus Christ. I haven't been to Bible study in a while, but I'm pretty sure there's a reference to Top Thrill Dragster in Revelations.
I feel the same way about roller coasters as I do about robots: the technology is accelerating out of control, and very soon human lives will be in great peril.
San Jose Sharks at the HP Pavilion:
I've been to one Sharks game. It wasn't bad; we had great seats and there were a couple of fights that broke out so close to where we were sitting it was like they were fighting for our benefit, just like your alcoholic parents did.
Britannia Arms:
I will never patronize this San Jose sports bar because I have the same policy about bars as I do about colleges: they can't be any good if they advertise on TV.
Taco Bravo in Campbell:
There's a good chance I've eaten here before, as I love Mexican food the same way I love Mexican women: cheap and greasy. Any place that's open late, whose customers are primarily Mexicans dressed like cowboys, I'm all for it.
Scruffy Murphy's Irish Pub:
I've been to Scruffy Murphy's. Two words: asshole central.
I'm moving. Also, R.I.P. Rodney Dangerfield. Back to School was my inspiration for going to grad school.
To New York?
Posted by: Sarah B. at October 6, 2004 09:52 PMI've been to the Winchester Mystery House. It's rather neat - the woman was complately paranoid, so she set up areas where she could spy on her servants. She was also incredibly short, so the stairs are not high at all - at 5'2", they felt tiny to me. She was trying to confuse the evil spirits with the doors that opened into nothing and the stairs going up into walls.
It was much cheaper when I went to see it...
I try to avoid Silly Valley as much as possible.
Posted by: Wendryn at October 7, 2004 09:24 AMScarface DVD? "This is where the magic happens"? Sounds more like a trip to your bedroom, chuckles.
Posted by: wendy at October 7, 2004 12:58 PMsee...? creepy. and those dvd's are totally ugz.
Posted by: jackie at October 8, 2004 12:48 PMis there a second personality rattling around in that soft, unfused skull of yours that isn't aware of the comments you've left here, all of which have been creepy to a spectacular degree? but the reason i'm banning you is not because you've characterized this site as being "a tad creepy," and not because you think my shoes are ugly (OK, that does have something to do with it), but largely because you think saying "ugz" is funny, and fucking you think I'M funny, and i can't abide an indictment like that against my sense of humor.
Posted by: John K. at October 10, 2004 12:43 PMooh... ok, yr shoes being ugly are creepy... and ugz being so not funny that it's funny is creepy... and being irritated that a book about soccer was switched into a book about freakin the sox is creepy... but, in earlier times, linking to my site because you think "amerasian girls are hot" and staring at my picture, which has since been taken down, is not creepy. you are creepy.
Posted by: jackie at October 10, 2004 12:54 PMevidently it creeped you out so much YOU PUT UP A LINK TO THIS SITE.
P.S. i like my mongrels with less retardation.
P.P.S. any hot amerasian girls reading this, please send me your picture.
Posted by: John K. at October 10, 2004 01:05 PMno, i thought you were funny -- creepy perhaps, but i have known creepy and it's usually harmless and not terribly insulting. this stance has since changed, as has the link. sayonara
Posted by: jackie at October 10, 2004 11:09 PM