Hello, I Love You

You know that car commercial from a while ago? Some guy walking down the street gets a call on his cellular, and it's him from the future calling himself to tell him to go buy a Jetta or something. There's a film student I knew in college named Ron who was always saying he wanted to make movies that would fuck with people's minds, and that's exactly what that commercial was trying to do -- fuck with your mind, Scott Bakula-style. Needless to say, compared to the episode of Quantum Leap where Scott Bakula spends an entire episode being a pregnant woman, the car commercial doesn't come close to that elevated level of mind-fucking.

So I'm going to be the guy on the other line, the future me, and write this post for the me from a about a month and a half ago.

Dear John,

Do not waste your 10 dollars on The Grudge. It's no The Ring. (Though the one scene where that guy discovers Yoko trudging around like a zombie is sort of creepy.)
Renew your subscription to the New Yorker because you'll stop getting it at the end of September. Your crazy Japanese ex-girlfriend had bought you a year's subscription for Christmas last year, so for your subscription to end in September it has to mean she actually went and canceled it.
Call or email Meagan before she leaves for Japan. Tell her you miss and love her, and warn her about those conniving Japs.
Don't bogart that can, man.
On September 25 the retro version of the Air Jordan IVs will be released in a cool gray colorway. Do not sleep on these; they're going to sell out in one day. Cop 'em.
On Oct. 15, get yourself in front of a TV and watch Crossfire. It's the most brilliant spectacle you will see on a television screen in years.
CARLSON: "You need to get a job at a journalism school, I think."
STEWART: "You need to go to one."
Jon Stewart is a motherfucking genius.
You're going to find out you're moving in December, from San Jose to Santa Clara. You're going to take this impending move as a time to take stock of all the stuff you own, and you will conclude you want to get rid of a lot of it. You're going to sell some of it on eBay. You will make a surprising amount of money, but everything about it is a huge fucking pain in the ass. And you were totally right about the sickos out there who nut on the shit they sell on eBay, because you've been nutting on everything you've sold. Suckers.
On November 7, before you go out that night, take the can of Diet Coke out of the freezer.
When you do a load of laundry on the night of November 8, be sure to remove the lighter from the pocket of your hooded sweatshirt.

Love,
Your No. 1 fan

This month we here at Brightness Falls are introducing a new regular feature that we'll probably forget to do ever again: the Brightness Falls reader of the month. This month's reader of the month is Wendy, who is probably the Internet personality I've kept up with for the second-longest period of time. I once offered to send her quarters for laundry, and I will do so again if she ever asks. (Seriously, though, don't ask; I fucking hate going to the post office.)

Halo 2's coming out tomorrow. I'm not sure when I'll update again.