Versus

A while ago I invited myself over to my sister Hannah's house for dinner. While we were eating we got into a discussion about an old Korean saying that I'd never heard before: something about how there are two types of people in the world, foxes and bears. I actually don't understand this saying because bears are terrifying killers. People are either crafty opportunists or lumbering, brutal predators? Say what? There's a scene from an old Woody Allen movie called Husbands and Wives where Judy Davis's character makes a similar point, except she claims that people are either foxes or hedgehogs. On its face, this would seem to make a lot more sense, except I'm not really sure what hedgehogs are.

It got me to thinking: we Americans like to categorize things, but -- and this is important -- we don't want to categorize too deeply. For example, I enjoy knowing that turtles are reptiles, but I don't care to know what phylum they fall under. To do so would be un-American.

You live in a red or blue state. You paid to see Passion of the Christ or Fahrenheit 9/11. You're with us or against us. You're a fox or a hedgehog.

See? It's fun to pigeonhole, plus you can tell a lot about someone by examining a seemingly endless supply of trivial variables. To wit:

1. People who fill up on gas as soon as the gas gauge on their cars indicates there's a quarter-tank of gas left.
2. People who inexplicably think they'll save money on gas if they don't fill up until the needle dips below "E" and the gas light comes on. (This would be me.)

1. People who can easily recognize that it's Hans from Die Hard who plays Serious Snapes or whatever the fuck from the Harry Potter movies, or that it's Billy Crudup in that one MasterCard commercial.
2. People who are chronically incapable of recognizing celebrity faces, and even more maddening is when they don't fucking believe you when you goddamn tell them it's Billy Crudup in that new MasterCard commercial. You stupid motherfuckers, I swear to God I have no idea why I hang out with any of you.

1. People who feel sorry seeing Billy Crudup do MasterCard commercials or Hootie shill for Burger King.
2. People who are like Fuck those guys, at least they getting paid. (I gotta admit, I'm straddling the line on this one.)

1. People who are openly suspicious of Jews.
2. Liars.

1. People who prefer licks.
2. People who prefer riffs.

1. People who got their peanut butter in my chocolate.
2. People who got their chocolate in my peanut butter.

1. Fans of Brooks.
2. Fans of Dunn.

R.I.P. Oolong.

Posted by john at April 8, 2005 03:36 AM