The Myth of Square Watermelons

I was watching Conan a while ago, and one of his guests was Morgan Spurlock, the guy who made the documentary Super Size Me. Conan wasn't doing any of his furious mugging, nor was he yelping, growling, or speaking in any of his nausea-inducing funny voices, so I ended up watching the entire interview, during which Spurlock told a story about a guy he knew who'd bought a McDonald's cheeseburger, put it in his coat pocket for later consumption and ended up forgetting all about it. The story goes that the guy comes home, hangs up the coat in his closet and the very next day the weather warms up and continues to stay warm, meaning the coat -- and the forgotten cheeseburger -- remains in the closet for the next several months. In the fall, when the guy discovers the long-lost cheeseburger in his coat pocket, he is astounded to discover that the cheeseburger looks no different from the day he bought it.

I'll tell you why I don't accept the validity of this story, and it's not because the story is unbelievable on its face. My problem with the story is Morgan Spurlock's mustache. No man should have unorthodox facial hair unless he's a relief pitcher or a guy who makes up one-half of an exalted indie-rock combo who likes to pretend his mush-faced ex-wife is his sister. By casting himself as the guinea pig in his little McDonald's documentary, Spurlock wants to assume the identity of the average American consumer. You're supposed to identify with him. And yet, that ridiculous handlebar mustache. Clearly, he's either damaged or a huckster. Either way, I don't trust him.

Additionally, this isn't the first spurious story I've heard about McDonald's food products -- i.e., the rumor that McNuggets are harvested from genetically engineered chickens that are both beakless and featherless. Like the myth of square watermelons, I'll believe it when I see it.

Which brings me to this:

I brought home this bad boy earlier today, and once a month over the next few months I'll uncover the grease-stained wrapper to see if it deteriorates in any way. Why? Because I love science.