02.12.06

A Certain Romance

After my birthday, which occurred exactly six days after New Year's Day, I decided to make some changes in my life. One, I decided I was never going to be late for anything again. Previously, I had been late for everything, and I think we all know it's only dickheads who are always late, and I decided I'd had enough of being a dickhead. Two, I started to eat like I was training for the Olympics. Lots of protein, vegetables and whole grains. No pasta, rice or burgers. Around this time my TV stopped working. I like to think it's God's way of telling me that it's just as important to stay pure in mind and spirit as it is in body.

I've thought about it, and I think the best thing about this ascetic lifestyle is the overwhelming feeling of superiority I experience when I see a fat person wolfing down French fries while sitting on his or her fat ass watching TV. You fatties are probably fucking always late for everything too.

Posted by john at February 12, 2006 06:31 PM
Comments (6)

jesus--you crack my shit up man. i too am trying to not eat meat, dairy, or refined sugar. and i'm trying to drink less. it's tough but i too crave that overwhelming feeling of superiority when i see fat and/or lazy people. except i'll forever be one of those always-late-with-no-apologies dickheads.

eh, you win some, you lose some, ya know?

Posted by: peter at February 17, 2006 08:44 AM

hello john, i miss you!!!!!! you're freakin' awesome and always right. make time for me this week so we can hang out!!

Posted by: jenn at February 18, 2006 04:35 PM

Dude, seriously. I found your site about 2 weeks ago, and literally read all your archives in the space of 2 days.

Its brilliantly funny, you should publish.

Also, what the fuck? No new posts. Is there such a word as "blog-tease"? If so, you're it.

Far be it from me to cast the first stone at someone who appreciates the sheer brilliance that is Tiger Woods 2005 (currently in 3rd PGA season, 2 hole-in-ones short of the Tiger Tracking Trophy Ball), but guy come on. Would a paragraph or two kill you?

Posted by: Charl at March 8, 2006 06:41 AM

.. also, is it hole-in-ones or holes-in-one? You say po-tay-to, I say fuck off..

Posted by: Charl at March 8, 2006 06:44 AM

Yes, Charl, John is a total blog-tease.

Posted by: wendy at March 8, 2006 01:50 PM

But aren't you a chubby chaser?

Posted by: chachi at March 21, 2006 01:34 AM