Lights Out

Early this morning I was on the phone with Jenn, explaining that I wasn't going to work because I was feeling under the weather. "You're not sick," she said. "You're in bed watching Cold Pizza and you don't want to get up."

I laughed because sometimes the truth is funny. And while I really wasn't feeling tip-top, I was in bed watching Cold Pizza. In fact, I've been laying around watching ESPN most of the day. There was a segment on Outside the Lines where former Patriot linebacker Ted Johnson complained that the concussions he'd sustained during his playing years had left him mush-headed. I could relate.

ESPN in the afternoon is like a bag of Cheetos. A few handfuls are tasty, even though you know it's empty calories and it's not as good as consuming real cheese -- i.e., actual sporting events. Trying to dispatch an entire bag, however, will leave you feeling sickened and stained.

Aside from PTI, ESPN's original daytime programming is essentially a giant hydra where each of its misshapen heads is that of a dull-witted sports journalist's. Not only are these guys boring and old, but it's the same stories that are tediously dissected on every show. That Damon Jones of the Cleveland Cavaliers owns 450 suits was discussed on both Around the Horn and an hour later on PTI. They might have explored the same topic on First and Ten but I was flipping back and forth between that show and Good Will Hunting on TBS, a movie so remarkably shitty that I can't not watch it.

If PTI is the most consistently enjoyable of ESPN's daytime shows, Jim Rome is Burning is unequivocally the worst. I'll go so far as to say my hatred for Jim Rome rivals my hatred for Dane Cook. Jim Rome's signature opening line -- "What is up" -- is infuriating to hear. I think this is what you'd get if Hitler was given a half-time sports show. Fuck the Knicks winning an NBA championship in my liftetime -- the day that both Jim Rome and Stephen A. Smith make like Buddy Holly and the Big Bopper and they go down in a "The Day the Music Died"-style plane crash is the day my ultimate sports fantasy is realized. On that day I'll perform the Shawn Merriman "Lights Out" dance and put it up on YouTube.

To sum up, ESPN in the afternoon is mostly unwatchable, while catalog spreads from my favorite brand are not:

Posted by john at February 9, 2007 03:49 PM